Sunday, August 19, 2012
Resignation
My youngest daughter drove off Thursday to a new job in Boise, Idaho. I watched with mixed emotions--I'm proud of her getting a job in her field of study but I miss her and will miss her it seems for months and years to come. Boise is a very full day's travel away. I wish her nothing but success. Like every father, I worry about her though.
My wife, Kit, and I have had a relationship over the past fifteen years marked by a sine wave pattern of break-ups and reconciliations; and we're either entering the low part of that wave or, more likely, ending the pattern with a break-up without the possibility of reconciliation.
The total failure of my second marriage, 20 years after my first divorce from the mother of my children, Sue, is an attention hound. It takes effort not to think about it non-stop, and by effort I mean distraction.
It also demands a lot of introspection which I'm doing. The trouble is I know my faults and limitations and one of them is that I seem unable not to do the things I know are faults and limitations. So I'm just running through a catalog of personal failures over and over. It's much more interesting to me to try to see what is motivating Kit because I'm not getting a complete picture there. I mean I know what she says but I remain in the dark about what is actually causing her to act as she does. The only thing I can come up with, and it's pretty lame pop psychology, is she is one of those unfortunate people who only want what they do not have and do not want what they have. That's not so good.
Of course it's a very real possibility that my faults and limitations have caused her to fall out of love with me. That's kind of an Occam's Razor sort of explanation. Probably true, too. I don't seem actually to fall out of love with people whom I have loved, but there are things that can cause me to decide not to be with the object of my affection and desire, which is functionally the same as falling out of love but does not accurately reflect my heart.
The one good thing we are doing is getting a Catholic divorce, a legal separation, so that we'll have to go through the bother and expense of going back to court in the future if either of us is stupid enough to want to get married yet again. It's good to have a backstop.
My wife, Kit, and I have had a relationship over the past fifteen years marked by a sine wave pattern of break-ups and reconciliations; and we're either entering the low part of that wave or, more likely, ending the pattern with a break-up without the possibility of reconciliation.
The total failure of my second marriage, 20 years after my first divorce from the mother of my children, Sue, is an attention hound. It takes effort not to think about it non-stop, and by effort I mean distraction.
It also demands a lot of introspection which I'm doing. The trouble is I know my faults and limitations and one of them is that I seem unable not to do the things I know are faults and limitations. So I'm just running through a catalog of personal failures over and over. It's much more interesting to me to try to see what is motivating Kit because I'm not getting a complete picture there. I mean I know what she says but I remain in the dark about what is actually causing her to act as she does. The only thing I can come up with, and it's pretty lame pop psychology, is she is one of those unfortunate people who only want what they do not have and do not want what they have. That's not so good.
Of course it's a very real possibility that my faults and limitations have caused her to fall out of love with me. That's kind of an Occam's Razor sort of explanation. Probably true, too. I don't seem actually to fall out of love with people whom I have loved, but there are things that can cause me to decide not to be with the object of my affection and desire, which is functionally the same as falling out of love but does not accurately reflect my heart.
The one good thing we are doing is getting a Catholic divorce, a legal separation, so that we'll have to go through the bother and expense of going back to court in the future if either of us is stupid enough to want to get married yet again. It's good to have a backstop.
Labels: personal history
# posted by Roger Fraley @ 8:14 AM 
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Sorry to hear of your troubles.
I have been divorced & living single so long that I don't recall what sharing a house is like, and I'm not much of a one for self-help books. However, at my daughter's suggestion I read The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and found that overall it made a whole lot of sense. Essentially it argues that what you do & say that you think OUGHT to demonstrate your love for your spouse may not be spoken in her "love language," and therefore fails to convey the intended message. (It's a quick read, if you skip the tests 'n stuff.) Yeah, it sounds rather hokey, & for sure a book by itself cannot fix a marriage, but why not give it a look?
http://amzn.com/1881273156
I have been divorced & living single so long that I don't recall what sharing a house is like, and I'm not much of a one for self-help books. However, at my daughter's suggestion I read The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and found that overall it made a whole lot of sense. Essentially it argues that what you do & say that you think OUGHT to demonstrate your love for your spouse may not be spoken in her "love language," and therefore fails to convey the intended message. (It's a quick read, if you skip the tests 'n stuff.) Yeah, it sounds rather hokey, & for sure a book by itself cannot fix a marriage, but why not give it a look?
http://amzn.com/1881273156
# posted by 
: 3:08 PM
: 3:08 PM
Thanks for the comment and recommendation. I've already read that one though. I agree that it makes sense. My favorite, however, is Uncoupling but that was 20 years ago. Perhaps it does not stand up so well over time.
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