Saturday, May 23, 2020
Funny Because It's True
A very useful guide to applications of common tools – you may want to review frequently:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. H/T Cousin
h/t Ace of Spades HQ
Labels: Ace of Spades Humor, Guide to the Applications of Common Tools
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Rule 48 and General Flynn
Many of us have read that Judge Sullivan is not rubber stamping the DOJ's motion to dismiss the complaint that was (wrongly) filed against Lt. General Michael Flynn (ret.) because of prosecutorial misconduct, and there is a lot of argument going on about that. But let's cut to the quick here. If the learned Judge Sullivan refuses to dismiss the case against General Flynn, and sets it for sentencing, when that date roles around, the Judge is going to sentence General Flynn to something and an appeal will follow. My prediction of what will happen to that sentence will be reserved for a later posting (dismissal of all charges).
Or, the Judge finally allows General Flynn to withdraw his plea and sets the matter for trial on the merits. When the day of trial rolls around, if the DOJ is still run by Republican appointees under AG Barr (a 60/40 chance right now), no one for the prosecution shows up to prosecute the case, no evidence is adduced in the case-in-chief (as there is no prosecution to subpoena the witnesses and question them), and as the judge declares, in absentia, that the prosecution rests (as we assume he must) and then the defense lawyer, Sidney Powell, makes the "half-time" motion to dismiss for failure to prove a single element of the offense; then there seems to be no alternative for grandstanding weirdo Judge Sullivan but to grant the motion; and we're back at General Flynn is acquitted, case over, he is free to go. Wow, what a waste of our precious judicial resources either of those scenarios would be!
So, what is going on here? Is weirdo Sullivan a die-hard liberal hoping that Biden, or whoever, wins against Trump and the lefty DOJ shows up to prosecute the case? (Good luck with that).
As stupid as that seems to most reasonable thinkers, it is the only explanation for the Circus can-of-worms Judge Sullivan has opened up. Reasonable minds could, of course, disagree.
Oh yeah, and (in light of the fact that 95% plus of criminal charges end in a plea deal, Thank God) Judge Sullivan is proposing judicial "charges" of perjury against Flynn for accepting a plea deal that the Judge now believes was not sincere (no shit). But approximately 20% of criminals plead guilty to a charge that they are not guilty of. So, yeah, that's an excellent idea. No way that makes more criminals hesitant to take a plea deal so that there are more criminal trials which overwhelm our court system and result in tons of cases dismissed on "speedy trial" violations.
Has anyone tested Judge Sullivan's IQ lately?
(How about Biden? Is there even a scale for appraising normal old-age dementia? )
Labels: General Flynn legal musings
